The Shadow

Well, Monday is my oncologist visit where I will find out the results of my last blood draw, and hopefully get my next chemo of carbo/lipodox.

So, the inner voice begins:  what will the numbers show, what if they're climbing, are my blood counts and platelets normal enough to receive the chemo, what if this treatment isn't working, blah, blah, blah.  This is what living in the shadow of a cancer diagnosis is like.  It's always there, following me.  Sometimes I'm really good at ignoring it, and at times like this it's like he's constantly reminding me:  "I'm still here; I'm still here."

What do I do about this?  Keep busy, try to push the negative thoughts as far to the back of my mind as possible, visit with a friend or family member, and sometimes, a little retail shopping therapy, and occasionally, when I feel especially tired of it all, I cry.  Luckily, that's not that often.  But yes, it does happen, and when it does, I allow myself the pleasure, because it always brings a strange sort of relief and peace.

So this weekend, I will be busy, busy, busy.  I can't keep Monday from coming, nor do I want to because it wouldn't be in my best interest, so I will concentrate on trying to make peace with that.  Let's see how successful I can be at that!