"What's it like living with cancer" you may ask. Or should I say want to ask. Most people just ask how I am feeling, or say, gee, you look great. No one has ever asked me what it's like living with it. I imagine they think it's an inappropriate question, but really, it's not. My dad always said "If you don't know something, ask." I think he was right. People can choose not to answer, but no one should be offended by an honest question. How else do we learn?
One of the phrases a cancer patient (I refuse to say victim) learns fast is "you will adjust to your new normal." I reject that statement. You do learn to live with it, but you never learn to adjust to it. Why? Because there is nothing normal about this new way of life. It's difficult to make plans for future events, because I never know what may happen between now and said future event. If I buy airline tickets now, I buy travel insurance in the event I have to cancel. I get nervous being far away from my doctor. She knows me, she know my medical history, we have bonded. She has become the friend I never wanted to have, but I am lucky to have her. If people say they are flying out to visit, my first thought is always "what if I don't feel well then? I don't want to ruin anyone's vacation." That's my new normal response. My normal response would have been "oh goody, I just can't wait to see you. We'll do this, this, and this, eat here and there, maybe play some golf, etc."
Every ache and pain is a worry....what is that, more cancer? Things I normally wouldn't have paid one bit of attention to now set off alarm bells. My doctor has always said "don't hesitate to call me if you have concerns." Well, no, I don't think she'd really want that....there are days I'd call her six times!
Then there are insurance issues. The first thing I looked into when I was diagnosed was coverage for 'mental health issues.' I wanted counseling, because if a cancer diagnosis isn't a good reason to seek counseling, I don't know what would be. I have a good policy, so I didn't expect it to be a problem. Wrong again! I discovered that mental health issues aren't covered. Huh? Really? No coverage for counseling???? Nope! I also found out that this is not unusual in most policies. So, I conclude that many insurance companies obviously don't consider one's mental health an important piece of one's overall health. See how wrong they can be? Left out in the cold again. Fortunately, I found a fantastic group of women online. This is a group only for women with an ovarian cancer diagnosis. The downside is, we are from all over the world, so we cannot meet face-to-face. The upside is, the door is always open, 24/7, and we all have had the same thoughts, felt afraid at times, shared each others victories and defeats in a way that those lucky enough to not have cancer could never understand. This is one scenario in which the old adage "you don't know if you haven't walked in my shoes" totally applies.
Every year that we age brings with it a little more loss of our naivety. This is universal; it happens to all of us. As we are celebrating yet another birthday, a bit more of that naivety is chipped off. It happens slowly, so we hardly notice it and it really doesn't cause much alarm, still, we are aware of it happening. A cancer diagnosis doesn't just chip away another piece of that. It totally rips it all the way off. It's gone and we are left without that protective shield. I hate being totally robbed of all of my naivety.
And, I hate waiting for the other shoe to drop. Another unwanted part of my new normal.
And then there is the way it changes the lives of your loved ones. No one, and I really mean no one, wants to bring that kind of change into someone's life. I don't want people to worry about me. Worrying is useless, accomplishes nothing and doesn't change anything. It just brings anxiety and discomfort, neither of which I want to inflict on my family and friends. "Regular" life does enough of that on it's own. I don't want to add to it. So, to my loving family and friends, if you are reading this, please don't worry. Much more helpful would be prayers, sending good vibes, and/or healing thoughts, to whatever or whomever you call upon during difficult times that would be much, much more appreciated. I have my loving husband who holds me in his arms when I need it, and through him I feel the warmth of all of you. What more could I ask for?
These are just a few examples of what it's like to have this new normal. I'll get used to it? Realistically, no, I don't think so.
Having said all that, it is NOT all gloom and doom. There is yet another old adage that I hold onto these days, and that is, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And I do. And yes, even in this new normal, I can and do still laugh, and still find joy in each day. Because life is worth living to it's fullest, even in the difficult times. It's still mine to live as I choose, and I choose to wrap myself up tight in all the good it can be. I've learned that when that blanket slips off, it can actually be picked up and put back on again! It's good to learn that.
