It's been a long time since I've made an entry in here. I have realized recently that cancer is about more than having a disease. It has been about a year and a half since my diagnosis. I can't believe that much time has gone by already. I can't believe it's been that long since cancer has essentially taken over the way I live my life. Not necessarily in a daily way, but more in a futuristic way. It seems that what it comes to planning future events, the first thing to come to mind is not excitement, but instead, how will that event effect my health. I try and try to plan a trip to MN, and keep coming back to that "I can't do that" part of the play. Instead, my mind becomes stuck in a "what if I need a doctor, how will this stress effect my health, what if I'm ill the day we are supposed to leave," never-ending loop. It's almost like being a teenager again, in the sense that before I can plan, instead of checking with my parents, I must 'consult' with my cancer first. And there are actually times when my oncologist tells me that "this may not be in your best interest right now," like, for example, when my brother passed away. I was told it wouldn't be wise to postpone my next chemo. In retrospect, I should have looked into getting chemo in Minneapolis, but then again, the after-chemo side effects would likely lead me to postpone my return flight until I was able travel without too much discomfort.
Healthy people make plans without stopping for an instant to think, what if I get sick, what if I need to be hospitalized? I know there are doctors in my home state, and excellent cancer facilities. And I know that if I need to be hospitalized, does it really matter if it's in Tucson, AZ or Minneapolis, MN. But the disease has somehow managed to erase the logic from my mind and replace it with fear and uncertainties. If a healthy person had these thoughts, we might consider them hypochondriacs, or neurotics. We may even (unkindly) tell them to stop being ridiculous and get on with their lives. Ironically, when you have cancer, you are not allowed the luxury of a simple fix to this solution. At least not for me. There are some people with cancer who can throw all caution to the wind and take their chances. That just doesn't seem to be me.
